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Ask Amy: I just found out about my husband’s kinks

Dear Amy: I found out recently that my husband of many years has been having sex with men for the last 52 years. Columnist Amy Dickinson (Bill Hogan/Chicago Tribune) He says he is bisexual, but his appetite for sex with men is stronger than with women. He is into fetish and crossdressing. I believe he needs…

Dear Amy: I found out recently that my husband of several years has been having sex with men for the past 52 years.

Columnist Amy Dickinson (Bill Hogan/Chicago Tribune) 

He says he is bisexual, but his desire for sex with guys is more powerful than with women. He is into fetish and crossdressing.

I believe he wants to come out and live the life that he craves and not try to maintain the appearance he is a heterosexual married man.

He says he never cheated on me with another girl, which he’d like to stay married. He offered to give time to the time he spends with these men to me, but I know he has never been that attached to our sexual life\.

Plus, I got married to a man who vowed his fidelity to me, and I chose to not share.

I feel this union is completed. We both got tested and we’re OK, however he is not only a routine at a few (senior) homosexual clubs, but also has put himself out on three internet websites, requesting to hook up with anyone who’d like to have some fun.

He will be 74 and I shall be 80 next month.

Over the years, he went from seeing guys two to three times each year to two to three times every week. We’re talking about 100 to 150 different partners over the years. He is not keen to give up any of this.

He says that he is going to be honest with me about what he’s doing when he moves out. Am I supposed to believe that?

what’s your opinion? Do marriages survive this?

Broken!

Dear Broken! : My opinion is that your husband is quite obviously going to live his life how he would like to and how he’s been. He has announced to you.

You have the right — and the duty — to do the same.

Marriages survive all sorts of circumstances, including lengthy separations, loss, psychological and sexual infidelity, sickness, shocks, gender transitions and sometimes — genuine trauma. But marriage is supposed to be the embodiment of all mutuality you elevate me. Not: I do what I want and you tolerate it… or leave the union.

Your husband doesn’t have to specify fidelity for you. His choice as being actually within the boundaries of your union, to explain away his own behavior is gaslighting. His behaviour is putting the two of you in danger.

Eyes open — you must make the choice that is best for you, both today and longer-term.

Dear Amy: While my daughter and son-in-law,”Brian,” were awaiting their new home to be built, they lived in our basement for six months.

Brian is a hoarder. I moved some of his items, and I was assaulted by him in a fit of anger, breaking three of my ribs and bloodying my nose. We called the police but didn’t press charges.

My daughter and Brian have since moved in their new residence. We paid to the inspector and gave a generous house gift to the couple.

They have a brand new baby. We have seen, avoiding contact.

He has yet to apologize and has shown no remorse. He has complete control over our daughter and can be verbally abusive to her.

How can we maintain a connection with our daughter in light of this? Should I continue to prevent him?

Fearful Father-in-Law

Dear Fearful: I wish you’d selected to press charges when Brian assaulted you. This could have shown that your daughter the reality of what she is facing.

At this time, you must do everything possible to remain close and supportive. Your kid is in an extremely dangerous situation.

Tell her,”We love and care about you. We’re here for you and we would like to help.”

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource. Assess thehotline.org or telephone 800-799-SAFE (7233) to speak with a counselor. Always call the police if you witness violence.

Dear Amy: Shame on your answer to”Pandemic Pandemonium” in which you suggested that a woman who’s stopped wearing makeup and fancy clothing might be suffering from depression!

Maybe you love getting dolled up every single day, however I was really disgusted by your sexist response.

Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: I do not happen to wear cosmetics — ever. However, this isn’t about me. This man voiced dismay about his \wife neglecting her hygiene. People are fighting right now, and I believe it’s crucial to pay close attention.

You can email Amy Dickinson in askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

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