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Carolyn Hax: She feels the need to confront your husband’s former mistress?

By Carolyn Hax, Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from Feb. 8, 2006. Dear Carolyn: During the 1980s, my husband had several affairs. I stuck it out and successfully raised our children despite all the problems. I know of an affair with someone who still lives in the same town. He doesn’t know that…

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Carolyn Hax is off. The next is from Feb. 8, 2006.


Dear Carolyn: Throughout the 1980therefore, my spouse had several occasions. I stuck it out and successfully raised our kids despite the problems\.

I know of an affair with somebody who still resides in the same town. He does not understand that I know, and neither does she. She is married now and acts like a pillar of this community. Because she believes she got off with sleeping with a married man who had kids to boot it sickens me. Although she was not married at the time, she had been old enough to know better.

I wish to at least let her know that I know. I am certain that she didn’t tell her husband before she met him, she was seeing a married man\.

I just can’t seem to let this go. Every time I watch her, I can practically see the smug look on her face and feel her thinking,”If she knew all of the things I did behind her back.” Is it wrong for me to say something?

— Frustrated in Indiana

Frustrated in Indiana: You aren’t certain what she did or did not inform her husband.

You do not know what she thinks.

You do not know the way she feels.

This could be the biggest regret of her life. When she sees you, she could be thinking,”I am so sorry.” She all could have told \to her husband and he could love her \for conscience and her frailty. This girl doesn’t want your scorn.

She could also be an unrepentant liar who mocks you. This woman doesn’t want your scorn. Because it’s pointless.

A good woman will already feel terrible without your help, and a bad one won’t feel terrible even with it.

and you’re going to feel as terrible as for not having accomplished anything if not worse, for debasing yourself by allowing your anger predominate.

You truly feel like a victim; I do it. However, the remedy for this hasn’t been to create more victims, say, her husband.

Instead, find some constructive outlet for the anger. Use it to motivate yourself to speak the truth of your annoyance to your spouse, if that’s what you need — or to escape an unhappy marriage, if that’s what it is. Or take pride on your own strength for raising children, or even saving a union that proved to be worth saving, if that is what it was.

Or to take up yoga, or get counseling, or volunteer in a shelter for abused women or children or pets. We are talking 20 years . Before they shutter the Lost & Found reclaim your self, please.


Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I’ve been together two years, and I have made quite clear what I need out of him before living together or marriage. I am a very busy individual, and he’s not. I am not willing to compromise. He promised he’d change, but is not making progress. I know that for people to change how long am I supposed to give him, although they have to desire to, and he says that he does\?

— California

California: As much as he should give you to back off and love him. He’s who he is. Stay or move.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning wapo.st/haxpost.

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